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Video transcript

Abuse can happen to anyone — and it’s never our fault. In this course, we discuss abusive tactics, the cycle of coercive control, the science of trauma, and how abuse can affect our boundaries, relationships, and coping mechanisms. We empower ourselves to build positive self-esteem with tools such as journaling, somatic practice, and creating a sense of community. This course was recorded in 2021 and has been re-edited for release. Some of the video quality isn't up to our Bloom standard, but the course contains our usual high-quality, trauma-informed content to support your healing journey. 

Recovering from toxic and abusive relationships

Hello everyone! Welcome! This is Zoë, Nooreen, Dina, Beatriz, and Flora and today we've brought the team together to welcome you officially to Bloom, and to our course on ‘Recovering from Toxic and Abusive Relationships’. Or if you’ve been in another Bloom course with us, welcome back! We’re happy to have everyone here with us. 

Next week, we’ll be getting to our proper content, starting off with a week that introduces us to the concept of abuse, how it can manifest in different types of relationships - and the tools we have within ourselves and environments to live beyond our trauma. 

But for now, we want to expand on what you might know about our courses from our website, explain our course values, tell you about the structure of the course, and of course introduce you to our course facilitators. We’re all here today, and some of us are survivors ourselves, and allies - we’re the people who will be presenting the videos. We will also have Lakshmi facilitating the course with us, but she couldn’t make it today, so she’ll introduce herself in one of our future videos! 

But for today, I’ll start. My name is Dina and my pronounce is he she and her I'm from Syria and I'm based in London I speak English and Arabic and for the fun fact when I was uh not when I was young when I started traveling I started collecting um all my flight tickets and all the tickets to any place I visited and now when I look at them it's like oh I'm collecting them so I'm taking them and throw them which is bad but um yeah that's for me what about you Beatriz?

Hi everyone! Thank you Dina. My name is Beatriz, my pronouns are she/her. I am from Colombia and currently based in Santa Maria, Colombia. I speak Spanish, that's my my native language and I also speak English, a little bit of Italian and I can understand French but don't make me speak it. And a fun fact about me is that, well, when I travel I like collecting designer postcards. I am a designer so I try to go to little shops and just get things made by local designers, yeah. And how about you Zoë? 

Yeah, yeah, oh gosh, I love that you must have a really nice collection, maybe that you can display somewhere. That would be so cool. Yeah, I'm Zoe, my pronouns are she/her, I'm from California in the USA but I'm based in the UK in London. I speak English and like Beatriz well, I used to speak French but maybe don't ask me to speak it but I can understand it, so if you read it in the chat, we will understand that. And continuing our fun fact theme of things that we collected, when I was growing up I collected kind of these kind of like porcelain fairy statues that I really loved. I was just obsessed with them and I just have a very vivid memory. Also a travel thing of one time going through security and when they scan your bag, and the bag had to be rechecked for some reason so seeing it go through the scanner and the little fairies showing up on the screen, like these four little fairies that I got when on my trip, showing up displayed their little fashion on the screen for the monitor. So that's me. How about yourself Flora? 

That's so cool! I love. I wish I could see scans of, scans of bags as they go through because I feel like there's loads of interesting things in there. So, my name's Flora and my pronouns are she/her. I'm from England and France and I'm based in London in the UK. I speak French, Italian, a tiny bit of Spanish and a tiny bit of Arabic and then obviously English. And something that I used to collect, I used to be obsessed with collecting keys. I thought they were really magical for some reason. So I have like a whole box of all different kinds of keys, only the pretty keys you know, like modern keys are for some reason I was pretty discriminatory about the keys that I used to collect. But now I collect first editions of books, so I haven't got very many because obviously depending on the book they're quite expensive but my favourite copy is The Old Man and the Sea. I have a really beautiful hand-painted copy which was an 18th birthday present from my mum, so yeah, an ever-growing collection.

That sounds wonderful Flora. Hi everyone I'm Noreen and my pronouns are she/her. I am Bangladeshi, I grew up in the United Arab Emirates and I am currently based in Edmonton, Alberta in Canada. Apart from English I speak Bangla, which is my native language and I can also speak a bit of Hindi and Urdu and like Zoë and Beatriz, I understand French, but I wouldn't be that great at speaking French. And I understand a bit of Arabic. Fun fact about well, something that I've collected growing up, so I can be a bit sentimental, so I like collecting things from events or things that you know, take, that has taken place over the years. So I remember I still have that box of events I went to like in the first time I went out with my friends, or the first time the first concert I went to. And I remember this, the first concert I ever went to was a Coldplay concert, it was their Viva la Vida tour and they had like, they threw out like I think paper butterflies everywhere. So, along with the ticket I still have those paper butterflies. Yeah, I just remembered that and I, you know, so tickets are small things that you can actually put in a box. I have a tendency to like, it just reminds me of like, good memories. 

So, yeah along with that, we are also using today’s introduction to lay out our legal process, and what you should expect in the weeks ahead. 

Bloom’s courses are not meant as a replacement for professional services. 

Bloom has been widely researched, double-checked, and verified by our professional therapist and a team of trauma-support workers. The information and advice that we cover about trauma, abuse, and everything else is psychologically-informed, and - perhaps most importantly - informed by our own team of survivors: who have included resources and stories of their own recovery.

However, this programme is not meant to substitute the individual attention and training of an accredited counsellor or agency. Bloom is an additional resource, meant to support as you learn and heal - whatever that might mean to you.

Likewise, another brief disclaimer: Bloom is not a crisis service, and there are very rare occasions when we may share information you give to us over chat with another organisation. Specifically, if you, or a child or young person in your care, is in immediate danger, we will speak with you about sharing your information with authorities in your local area who can help. We will always try to discuss this first with you if it happens - your safety and wellbeing are our priority. If you do not provide us with relevant contact details we may not be able to follow up with agencies who can offer you if you are at risk of harm, so if you are concerned about your safety, please provide us with your details over message that we can use in case this happens.

! Specifically, our courses were made with two intentions: to both 

. Our team will pass on key information, offer advice, and give you the tools that will enable you to cope with your trauma. Ultimately, we hope to embolden, acknowledge, and enable each person to build their sense of self-worth, banish shame, and to make the best choices for their own lives.

We also know that trauma is personal, and that our stories and needs will vary. 

The abuse we’ve witnessed or experienced could have come from a friend, a family member, romantic partner(s), a carer, a person of authority like a medical professional, or someone else.

 We may understand the effect this relationship has had on us, or we may not. Whatever experiences of toxic or abusive relationships you are coming here with, welcome. You’re in the right place. This programme is intended for anyone who is still living with an abuser or in an abusive situation, or has left an abusive relationship. If you’re not sure if that is you, that’s fine too: we hope this space can help you process some of those uncertainties, whatever kind of traumatic relationship you’ve experienced.

We are also going to be available to talk to you 1-on-1, outside of these videos. Your safety is important to us, as well as your trust. We won’t be asking you to talk about traumatic events. You can decide how much or as little as you want to say about your day or your past. 

However: if you are going through a legal case, we want you to consider the details of what you send us, if we discuss any traumatic experiences - because some courts place limitations on what information can be shared with whom, if it relates to an active case for example. Be open about your circumstances, and we can work out the boundaries that are best for you. 

Finally, a brief note on the material we will cover. This is a trauma-informed course on Recovering from Toxic and Abusive Relationships - meaning the material is designed for survivors of domestic abuse, and emotional or interpersonal trauma. We don’t put trigger warnings at the beginning of every session - we give an overview of what we will cover every session at the beginning with our goals, so that you know if any upcoming material might be difficult for you. That being said, if we believe a session will cover a slightly heavier topic than usual, we will give you a heads-up in the session. 

We will do everything we can to help you cope or to reclaim your own power - whether this means managing your symptoms, mourning the past, or untangling the present. It can also mean learning to hope. Whatever your journey here, we can’t wait to get started: leading you through your own discoveries, challenges, and recovery. 

Thank you so much everyone - we’ll see you soon.

Week 1: Anyone can be abused

We review the four most important facts we want you to know about abuse, introduce foundational course concepts, and start exploring the recovery tools we’ll be building throughout the course. 

Introduction and what you should know

We explore different types of abuse, including coercive control, and begin our discussion of different types of abusive tactics. 

Naming abuse and coercive control

Week 2: Why we stay — the mind and body in abuse

We discuss how the body and mind produce the fear response in a traumatic situation, and the role of this fear response in the cycle of abuse.

Fear in the body

We explore the psychology of trauma bonding — how do abusers create the conditions that make us stay with them?

Trauma bonding is addictive 

Week 3: Discovering our self

We take a deep dive into narcissistic behaviour and its involvement in abuse, look at different abusive tactics in relationships with a narcissist, and examine the role of early experiences in forming relationships. 

Narcissism, attachment, and relationships

We explore different tools for recovering our sense of self after abuse, focusing on body-focused and self-esteem exercises. 

Recovery tools 

Week 4: What abuse is really about

This session aims to review the 4 key aspects of a patriarchal society, and how dynamics of power in society are reflected in the power and control exerted in an abusive relationship.

Power, control and patriarchy 

In this session we explain the stages of the cycle of coercion, and understand how abusers use coercive tactics to exert dominance.

The cycle of coercive control 

Week 5: Difficult emotions

In this session we validate anger as a response to trauma, explore our own anger as separate from any anger we’ve been subjected to by an abuser, and define different anger management strategies.

Anger is not the same as aggression 

In this session we consider feelings of guilt and shame after abuse, look at grief as a response to leaving an abusive relationship founded in betrayal, and re-examine any false sense of responsibility for mistreatment we’ve experienced. 

Guilt, grief, and letting go

Week 6: Staying, leaving, coping, and what happens next

In this session we will consider how and why we stay in abusive relationships, how we cope with experiencing abuse, and explore different coping methods as we look to our future. 

Staying, leaving, coping, and what happens next

In this session we will outline different levels of safety planning, and talk about exit strategies for those who plan to leave their abusers.

Creating a safer environment: if you stay and exit strategies 

Week 7: Relationships and reflections

We define what makes a healthy relationship, review the importance of boundaries to healthy relationships, and discuss making space for the healthy relationships we deserve in our futures. 

Building healthy relationships

In this final session, the team is here to recap what we have learned - including returning to our 4 key facts about abuse with new understanding, share our favourite insights and reflections, anticipate new beginnings in healing and recovery, and say our goodbyes. 